I secretly feel the tears running down my cheeks.
The words 'you're the stupidest mother alive' always resonate.
Your 7-year-old child is angry because his brother's surprise egg contained a slightly nicer toy than his. Well... What should you do as a mother?
Racing to the store to buy all the surprise eggs with the hope of an even nicer toy than his brother has?
Boundaries.. Phase..
2 words that drive me crazy. Everything is a phase and set your boundaries and stick to them. Consistently his max...
I don't know, but how do you keep all the balls high?
Day in day out, quarantined at home.
Now that I'm typing this, I feel a bit of joy, almost May 11th. Almost, then they can be children and play in a different environment, their own environment with friends.
It's pretty bad when you, as a mother, are looking forward to it so much, right? Or is that very logical?
That you are just Maxime and not just a mother...

I coddled my kids too much and approved too much.
Ryan had severe fever convulsions several times as a child and was always taken to the hospital with screeching tires.
Jesse who has breath holding spell...
I had a soft spot, what mother didn't? But also a fear, what if Ryan gets a fever again, what if I don't give Jesse his way and he gets angry and goes into breathholding?

But all this has made them think they can walk all over me. Thanks guys!

I finally had EMDR therapy for the febrile convulsions and all the admissions... Did it help me? I don't know.
I can put things into perspective better. I think it has helped me to close things more easily and move on, but the fear remains. Now Ryan is 7 years old and when he suddenly snores loudly or makes a loud noise while sleeping, I startle and want to immediately run to him and wake him up. How do they look? Are their legs normal... is he still breathing? I had to teach myself to stop running upstairs in hysterics to check this. I had a period where I had to go upstairs every half hour to check that my child was not dead? From that moment on things didn't go well. I couldn't control myself anymore and couldn't even say the word 'febrile convulsion'. No matter how laconic some may think about this, they have not experienced this with their own child.

It started when Ryan was 2 years old. He was sick, just like all 2-year-old children who are sick regularly. Out of nowhere he had this fit and I didn't know what was happening to me. I thought he was choking because that's what it looked like. Mucus was running from his mouth, his ears, lips and nose were ice blue or actually white. Shake, throw up, upside down. I did everything during my call to 911. I ran through the room with Ryan in my arms, screaming, shouting, how scared I was, how scared I was and feeling powerless. This last point is something I have had difficulty with and EMDR for. POWERLESS! You can't do anything... because I didn't know this was a convulsion, 3 police cars raced onto the sidewalk, thinking it was CPR. Logical when you have his hysterical mother on the phone, but it soon became clear that this is a febrile convulsion. There they went again together with the ambulance staff. I sat with Ryan, shaking and crying, terrified. I called Jeffrey and he came as soon as he could and while waiting I talked to my mother on the phone until Jeff came in. It's just a fit... it's okay, just let him rest. I can still hear them say it! And BAMMM Ryan woke up and another one came, okay Max, now stay calm, it's 'just' a fit. Jeffrey saw this for the first time and of course panicked too. This is not normal and call 911 again with the back of your mind, it is just a convulsion. A convulsion is not scary. It looks scary but it's not scary. Shaking hands, sweaty sloshing ankles and an hour later we were in the hospital. Screeching tires to the children's department... it's not okay! He's not coming out of his fits well. Various further investigations, including for epilepsy, but nothing came of this.

He's really suffering from a bad case of febrile convulsions. Unfortunately, this has happened more often and we regularly went to the hospital with screeching tires, which always involved admission. Now 7 years and no more febrile convulsions seen. A good thing too, because this should not happen anymore, then they talk about convulsions in case of fever, so then they go through the whole mill, etc...
I'd rather not... I'd rather keep everything as it is now. I don't want this anymore and now that I'm writing this it comes again... the fear! You can't do anything about it, but it is there and it will stay there.
EMDR therapy has helped me enormously to be able to say things and talk about them without my throat being constricted. Also to stop my bucket from overflowing like that. I was out for a while because of that. I couldn't do it anymore. My life was filled with fear, afraid that Ryan would get a fever again, afraid of more admissions. Afraid of everything I saw. From now on I also look more ahead. Yes, I feel his head every day to see if he has a fever and yes, this girl may call 911 earlier than usual, but hey, I'm back and I'm proud of what I have achieved and how I deal with my fears!
I hereby conclude my blog about febrile convulsions. If you are interested, you can always contact me about this <3

Love Maxime

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